Our Relationship Is In Crisis–What Happened And What Did I Do To Contribute To This?
There has just been a disclosure of infidelity, betrayal, or sex and porn addiction in your relationship. Emotions are running high, everything is upside down, and each of you is carrying shame and intense worry.
If you betrayed your partner, you’re probably desperate to understand why you did this. You need help and clarity—and you need it quickly. You are terrified about the future of your relationship and disappointed that you did something to hurt your partner. Yet, on the other hand, you’re relieved that you don’t have to carry this secret any longer. But what will happen? And what can you do to come back from this?
Alternatively, if you’re the partner who has been betrayed, you are probably struggling with feelings of shock, anger, and uncertainty. You’ve been lied to and there are so many questions swimming through your mind. Am I not enough?, you wonder, And did I do something to cause this? I should have been more attractive, exciting, and better at everything. You are overwhelmed by all of the thoughts and feelings you have, and you’re in dire need of answers for how to handle the infidelity.
The two of you have arrived here because your relationship is in crisis. You feel powerless, helpless, and depressed—left questioning the person you thought you knew and the connection that the two of you shared. And you’re not sure what the path forward looks like.
Betrayal Has Happened… Now What?
When our primary relationship lacks security and trust, other things will fall by the wayside, including communication, connection, and intimacy. While many different kinds of transitions and stressors can contribute to relationship obstacles, a unique experience comes with infidelity and sex addiction.
Oftentimes, when there has been infidelity, couples develop what’s known as Intimacy Anorexia, wherein one or both partners withhold emotional, spiritual, or sexual closeness. This further perpetuates feelings of isolation in the relationship, causing each partner to feel alone and unloved; these couples live more as silent, resentful roommates rather than loving, intimate partners.
If you’ve survived a betrayal, you may wonder if your relationship’s intimacy, trust, and connection can ever be restored. You probably still carry wounds from the discovery, even if you’ve decided to stay together and attempt to work things out. Perhaps you have stonewalled your partner or find yourself trying to control their behaviors. Though you may be willing to repair the relationship, you might not feel like you have the tools you need to do so.
No matter which side of the infidelity you fall on, a betrayal puts a tremendous strain on the relationship. One or both of you are likely grappling with ongoing anxiety, shame, hopelessness, and physical symptoms like pain and a decreased appetite. A major disconnection exists between you and your partner, and you have so many questions about what’s to come for yourself and your relationship.
Couples counseling is an opportunity to improve communication between you and your partner so that you can determine the next steps and solve problems together. No matter what the outcome might be, therapy at Crown & Cloak can help clarify your future as a couple.
Shame And A Fear Of Judgment Keep Us From Exploring The Effects Of Betrayal With Others
Sex addiction and infidelity are much more common issues than we might think. Due to the shame and secrecy involved, many couples avoid discussing these issues or finding healthy ways to navigate conflict. This is particularly true in stricter communities, including those of the military and traditional religious sects. Oftentimes, the pressure of being flawless, conventional, and unaffected by trauma leads to risky behaviors, including extramarital affairs and porn use.
Unfortunately, most of us aren’t equipped with the tools we need to navigate crisis, betrayal, and relationship conflict in a healthy way. We all come from a culture that promotes a “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” mentality, and many of us were raised in a family of origin that didn’t model healthy relationship behaviors. We search for answers in isolation through self-help books and podcasts—anything to keep us from actually being vulnerable to our partner, other people, or ourselves.
But the truth is that every relationship encounters conflict, and healing happens in connection. Couples therapy can give you the skills and perspectives to fight fairly and repair the relationship as you navigate, understand, and process the betrayal.
Crown & Cloak Specializes In Therapy For Couples Struggling With Infidelity, Sex Addiction, And Betrayal
While infidelity might be the catalyst for seeking help from a couples therapist, counseling can help you get to the actual root of the problem so you can understand what is happening and why. In order to do that, we will work on restoring trust, communication, and healing in therapy.
As your therapist, I will help you see what trust and safety look like for you as a couple. This can lead to a newfound awareness of your relationship and give you an opportunity to communicate more openly so that you can make decisions about the future of your partnership with clarity.
My Approach
Couples therapy at Crown and Cloak is available in regular 60-minute sessions, as well as an intensive format. This format—which typically involves meeting for multiple hours over the course of one, two, or more days—can be especially helpful for couples in crisis, as they can devote consistent, ongoing time to processing the betrayal in therapy.
Regardless of format, we will spend time in counseling addressing the pain, core issues, and history of the relationship with the ultimate goal of healing both the relationship and the people in it. As we bring solutions to the forefront, we can figure out which areas need to be repaired and what is needed to help each partner move forward, no matter the outcome of the relationship. For couples who are parents, these solutions will involve collaborating on a plan for co-parenting in an effective, healthy way.
In addition to the experiential, therapeutic, and healing work we do in counseling, I will offer you resources for 12-step groups. The element of community is essential in matters of betrayal and addiction among couples, and these recovery groups can serve as meaningful support between your therapy sessions. Christian marriage counseling is also available for couples who are looking to incorporate faith-based perspectives into therapy.
You can heal and feel safe again—regardless of what your partner is or isn’t doing. By re-learning intimacy in your relationship, you can experience newfound peace and clarity about what the future holds for you as a couple.
Perhaps You Still Have Questions About Couples Counseling At Crown & Cloak…
We worked with another couples therapist in the past, and it did more harm than good.
I am sorry that you’ve experienced trauma-inducing therapy with another couples counselor. I, too, have had unhelpful counselors in the past. But I have also had really helpful experiences in counseling. I find that therapists willing to do their own individual work are usually the most effective.
Not to mention, many couples therapists don’t have experience with betrayal trauma and infidelity specifically. I truly understand that this kind of pain can only be helped with specialized training. I am deeply committed to the work of healing betrayal trauma among couples, and I maintain advanced training in these areas.
My partner doesn’t want to come to couples therapy.
I understand the pain you feel in acknowledging that your partner doesn’t want to commit to couples work. Though it’s painful, it’s okay—you can still do work in the meantime. By committing to your own growth and healing in counseling, your partner will likely witness a radical transformation that might even encourage them to join you in therapy.
Whether or not they decide to join, you have choices. Healing and meaningful boundaries are achievable no matter what your partner does or doesn’t do.
Therapy is too much of an investment of our time and resources.
Couples counseling is an investment in yourself, your marriage or relationship, and your family. I am confident that you, your partner, and your children will reap the benefits of doing the work in therapy. Peace, trust, and healing are worth it. You are worth it.
No Matter What The Future Holds, Healing Is Possible
If you and your partner need help navigating conflict, trauma, and betrayal, my personal and professional experience as a couples therapist can offer insight. Find out more about if my approach to couples counseling is a good fit for you by scheduling a free, 15-minute consultation here.
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